It is the one question men have pondered throughout the ages… who would win in a fight? In this feature, “Who ya got?“, we take two people – fictional characters, historical figures, athletes, celebrities, etc. – and pit them against one another for your entertainment. We’re thoughtful like that.

Today, we are pitting two of the biggest nerds to have come out of the 80’s: Screech from Saved By The Bell; and Urkel from Family Matters. These loveable misfits aren’t exactly the fighting type, to be sure, but that’s not going to stop us here. Going into this battle, a few assumptions have been made. First, we’re assuming that both combatants are equally socially awkward and equally super smart. Also, it’s a pretty safe bet that direct physical combat between the two will not only be useless, but frigging hilarious.

Let’s see how they measure up:

The case for Screech

Screech’s main advantage is that he has strength in numbers. Screech has more friends, true friends, than Urkel. Sure, Urkel kept bugging the Winslows, but he pissed them off more than anything. The only time the Winslows would help out Steve is if he was in mortal danger or super depressed. And even then, you get the sense the Winslows only helped him out because they thought a dead or depressed Urkel would somehow drive down their house’s value.

So why are these friends relevant? Because they’re the cast of Saved By the Bell. Regardless of the situation, or the hardships they faced, they almost always were able to resolve it in 30 minutes. Big rivalry with another school? 30 minutes. Jesse’s drug abuse? In 30 minutes she was fully recovered and it was like it never happened. I bet if they were put into the movie Armageddon, they’d avert the meteor in 30 minutes to hilarious and heartwarming results. The only thing this group couldn’t fix was the inevitable: graduation and crappy spinoffs.

Screech also was hit by lightning once, which gave him the ability to see into the future. With this god-like ability he used it primarily to… study for tests (he is a nerd, after all). This ability would be devastating in an actual fight, being able to know what the enemy will do before he does. Now, like all episodes, everything returns to normal by the end, and another “accident” takes his abilities at the end of the episode. But I just think that’s what Screech wants you to think. If he could see the future, he could have seen the “accident” coming from a mile away and avoided it. Wouldn’t you?

Ok, even if you don’t believe all that future-seeing mumbo jumbo he was pretty adept at hiding, usually in lockers, away from bullies and other people out to get him. Urkel can’t hit what he can’t find. That has to count for something, right?

Can you find Screech in this crowd? Neither will Urkel.

The case for Urkel

While not having the posse that Screech does, Urkel has the technological advantage. His inventions generally lend themselves better to combat than Screech’s. He built a teleporter, which he used to travel to France, so theoretically he’d be much more mobile than Screech. He built an Urkel bot which later on served in the police force. If that thing can collar criminals, you better believe a scrawny little nerd from Bayside isn’t going to take it out. And how many otherwise harmless inventions did Urkel produce that later went haywire and blew a hole in the Winslow’s house? This nerd’s got a penchant for destruction.

The greatest of his inventions, as far as this battle is concerned, was the DNA Transformation chamber. With it, he could alter his DNA (with the help of his “Cool Juice”) and turn into Stefan Urquelle, a cooler version of Steve Urkel. I’m sure Stefan could throw an adequate punch on his own… but imagine if Urkel used something other than cool juice – say, a concentrated version of whatever Barry Bonds has allegedly been using. You’re looking at a potential nerdborn Cloverfield monster.

Of course, we still haven’t covered Urkel’s ace-in-the-hole: The Urkel Dance. It’s a dance so hypnotic and stupefying it can render enemies useless and *gasp*even break the ice and get the ladies and the gentlemen out on the dance floor. With his enemy effectively neutralized, any one of Urkel’s wacky inventions could do the job and win the fight. Behold, the power of The Urkel Dance:

WARNING: Watching this video will get “The Urkel” stuck in your head. That’s right, The Urkel. The Ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-urkel.

So who ya got? Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steven Q. Urkel? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.