It is the one question men have pondered throughout the ages… who would win in a fight? In this feature, “Who ya got?“, we take two people – fictional characters, historical figures, athletes, celebrities, etc. – and pit them against one another for your entertainment. We’re thoughtful like that.

Today, we are pitting two literal giants of the food industry against one another: The Jolly Green Giant and The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. As we all know, size matters. But seeing as these are both fictitious characters, no one really mentions how big they are so we have to assume they are the same size. Who will be king of this food pyramid?

Let’s see how they measure up:

The case for the Jolly Green Giant

The Jolly Green Giant has wisdom and experience on the giant marshmallow, being almost 60 years older than him. He’s lived through the Great Depression, World War 2, and The Cold War and come out the other end of it just fine. This lifetime of experience has probably taught him a thing or two on how to defeat an angry sugary treat.

They say two heads are better than one. While I’m not sure if this applies to vegetable-based people, the Jolly Green Giant does have an ally in the Little Green Sprout, his much smaller, human-sized, sidekick. The Robin to his Batman, The Little Green Sprout likely will be ignored, allowing him to come through for the Jolly Green Giant in a pinch or assist the Giant out in any plans he hatches.

Won’t somebody think of the children? Think back to when you were a kid. Did you want to eat broccoli, or marshmallows? Now imagine there are kids at this fight they’re doing this at a school or maybe the Little Green Sprout brought them there. The Stay Puft Marshmallow man is going to be destroyed faster than those Nazi’s from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Now imagine this was done by kids on a sugar high.

The case for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

The first and most obvious advantage for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is that Mr. Stay Puft’s body is made entirely of marshmallow. Have you ever tried to punch a marshmallow? Besides looking like an idiot, you’re pretty ineffective as most marshmallows just squish and eventually regain shape. In a direct fist fight, the Green Giant can’t win.

And speaking of durability, this guy was able to take a few blasts from the Ghostbuster’s proton packs. What did it do? Set him on fire and pissed him off. As a point of reference, most people ask for some kind anesthesia for moderate dental work. This marshmallow is bad ass.

Lastly, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has a pretty low IQ. Why is this a good thing? Because he isn’t able to think during a fight. He doesn’t have to think about what or who he’s hurting when he’s demolishing buildings and ruining city. He only has room in his mind for one thought: kill. And this makes him deadly.

Look into the cold, steely eyes of a killer.

Place your bets

So who ya got? The Jolly Green Giant, or The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.