source: unknown

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For ultimate cyber fun, check out these guys (SFW).

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“It’s the second most stolen book in the United States right after the Bible” said Neil Strauss in reference to his book Rules of the Game on the popular radio show Toucher and Rich in Boston.  This obviously piqued my interest. The book is billed as the be all, end all guide to picking up women and it’s written by Neil Strauss who wrote such kick ass biographies as “Dirt” about Motley Crue and “How To Make Love Like A Porn Star”  about Jenna Jameson.

I’m a lonely, lonely man and my pick up technique of telling girls I’m “the bassist from the band Ace of Bass, and that’s right I am the ace,” wasn’t working (probably because Ace of Base didn’t actually have a bassist).  Rules of the Game is designed like a textbook for picking up women with daily lessons and lasts 30 days so I decided to take the challenge and chronicle my experience. Here’s what happened:

DAY 1:

We start our adventure by assessing ourselves with several questions.

Q: Describe how you think people see you?

A: Probably with their eyes, I believe it involves light refraction and such. Unless they’re blind then well… I guess they’d make easy victims. Actually, most people see me as a funny guy with no broads.

Q: Describe how you want people to see you?

A: Through telescopes looking up at me in my sky castle! Bwa ha ha ha! Okay how about as a funny guy with tons of broads.

Q:  Identify 3 behaviors you want to change.

A:  Not getting laid, not getting any vagina, and being without access to vagina.

Q:  3 Characteristics you’d like to adopt.

A:  Kicking Bill Engvall in the nuts, having movie star good looks, and receiving more free tacos.

The next section is a list of “limiting beliefs” that hold you back.  “People aren’t judging you, actually they desire your approval as much as you desire theirs.” I guess this means I should begin each conversation with women by yelling the reminder “You demand my approval!”  Here’s another one, “Just ask women what they want.”  I guess this implies that all women are inherently prostitutes who charge different rates and enjoy being propositioned with phrases like “How much?”

Alright let’s move on to the “Small Talk” section. The book gives several examples to use with fill in the blanks to customize them for every situation you’ll ever run into.

Current Events: Did you hear that —— ?  What will they think of next!

Here’s what I used, think of your own, don’t steal mine.

Did you hear that ducks are rape proof? What will they think of next!

Entertainment: Did you see the new —— movie yet? I heard it was good.

Mine: Did you see the new rape fantasy porno yet? I heard it was good.

DAY 2:

Okay today it says to shower, shave, and groom yourself. Done.

Now the next mission is to call someone randomly and ask them to recommend a movie. Simply say “Hello is this Moviefone? No? Well can you recommend a good movie?”  Unfortunately I left my phone at a bar last night so I had to ask people in person. I approached a young lady at the coffee shop and decided to try it. I approach the lass and query, “Hello, are you moviefone?” “No,” she replies in a slightly befuddled manner. “Well then, can you recommend a good movie?” She said that “Twilight” was pretty good so I backed away slowly without breaking eye contact.

DAY 3:

My first mission today says I should see a vocal coach to help me remove any weaknesses in my voice. I had no idea where to find a vocal coach and no money to pay one so I decided to instead watch the TV show “Coach.” After a grueling half hour of training I realized that Jerry Van Dyke’s character is loud and bumbling. Luckily I am already quite loud and bumbling so I appear to have passed this section.

Next, there’s a list of physical speaking problems many people encounter, luckily I have none of the problems mentioned so I have confidence knowing that my poo jokes will be heard clearly and in perfect pitch.

DAY 4:

Okay it’s says before I start this lesson I should get my energy up by showering, shaving, listening to loud music and whatever I do, don’t masturbate if prone to doing so…

DAY 4, REVISTED:

Alright shower, listen to loud music, and don’t masturb…

DAY 4, EPISODE 3: THE PHANTOM PEN-IS:

Okay shower, listen to loud music, and stare at a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Next mission: ask 3 women to recommend a good men’s clothing store. It also says “do not approach the women from behind,” sounds kind of crazy right? Well I’ll step out of my comfort (and mace susceptible) zone and try it.  Out of the three women I asked, they could only mention good women’s clothing stores so I decided to acquire some clothing from these stores, after all, if women love the clothing so much they’re bound to love a guy in the clothing. Now outfitted in highly recommended women’s clothing, I’m on to my next mission.

Next mission: Stand up straight…. Small problem, the women’s clothing adorning my person is rather short to show off my trim muscular figure and long legs. In other words, if I stand up straight my penis will fall out of my slut skirt. I’m in quite the predicament, I can’t help but wonder if other women like the Queen of England, Anne Coulter, or Stacy Keach experience the same problem.

Next: Days 5 through 7 >>>

Come to think of it, it was probably one of these guys.

Source: unknown

source: google.com

1. Jon Gosselin is a Douchebag

It’s true and here’s proof. For some reason, though, we seem to be obsessed with douchebags… Just watch The Hills, or Millionaire Matchmaker, Million Dollar Listing, Rock of Love, or, the king of all douchebag shows, Tool Academy. So why not give Jon a turn? I’d watch.

source: thelaughingstork.com

2. He Already Had a Show and Kate Stole the Spotlight

If you’ve ever seen their show, you probably didn’t see Jon much, and if you did, it was probably with Kate, or she was talking or yelling at him, or cutting her hair with some precision home hair cutting system. Either that or he was with the kids and Kate was doing a book signing or something selfish like that. Point is, he was on the show, and he got shafted. He deserves another shot.

3. Kate is a Straight Up Bitch

There have been bitches in the past on reality shows, for example Omarosa, Veronica from The Real World, and Jonny Fairplay. However, none of these have been as revolting as Kate. She treated him like a dog that tracked shit all over the new carpet, when all he ever did was try to help out. For dealing with her for so long, Jon definitely deserves his own show.

source: prince.org

4. Jon Gosselin is a Pimp

As soon as word came out that they were splitting, pictures of Jon with other chicks started popping up all over the place. AND… the other girl was at least 10 times hotter than Kate. I’m guessing he was counting down the days until Kate finally dipped so he could be free with his swagger and lay the pimp hand on strong. Go Jon!

source: starpulse.com

5. Jon Gosselin Needs the Money

Eight kids means a hell of a lot of child support, and since Kate got all the book deals, what’s a guy to do? Besides his apparent Ed Hardy sponsorship, he really doesn’t have any marketable skills. He’s just a dude that forgot to wear a condom and ended up with the shittiest life on Earth. Poor Jon. For this reason, he needs his own show.

source: uproxx.com

So please, ABC, NBC, FOX, Discovery Channel, VH1, MTV, anyone, please, please give this man his own show… cause I would watch.

more pics of Twilight’s Ashley Greene in Maxim