Swine Flu is all the rage. And why not? People who have sex with a pig need to be punished in some way. But take a look at these 12 diseases/conditions that are way worse than the Swine. Take note…these conditions are real.

1. Art Attack (Stendhal Syndrome)

Becoming ill after looking at great works of art. One work of art mentioned is Michaelangelo’s statue of David. So a chick got sick after staring at a statue of a muscular dude with a small package? I believe there’s another name for that.

New name: End result of going home with a Jersey shore bro-itis.
Documentation on Stendhal Syndrome

2. Penis Panic (Koro Syndrome)

When a dude thinks his wang is disappearing inside of him, or better yet that it is being stolen. This is what happens while suffering in an overpowering relationship? See all this time, I thought it was the balls that were supposed to disappear. Don’t sweat it pal, at least you know who stole it. Not knowing who gave you those mysterious bumps would be way worse.

New name: Pussy Whipped
Documentation of the condition

3. Hula-hoop Intestine

Some Chinese dude was sent to the hospital because his intestine twisted from playing too much with a hula hoop. First off, any dude who plays with a hula hoop, at all, ever, deserves much worse. Second, my intestine twists up in disgust every time I have to see Lady Gaga without her sunglasses on.

New name: Lady Gaga sans sunglasses syndrome (LGSSS)

4. Carrot Addiction

Some guy developed a dependence on carrots in ‘92. Rumor has it he was just trying to impress Jessica Rabbit, who was none too impressed with the man’s previous attempts of sending soiled tube socks with “Thanks for Last Night” written in magic marker.

New name: Cartoon Bunny Obsession
Documentation of carrot addiction and its treatment

5. Cutlery Craving

This is when people want to eat sharp metal objects. No word yet if Reggie Bush is considered a carrier of this based on his time spent going down on Kim Kardashian.

New name: Backup Running Back
Documentation with photographs

6. Dr Strangelove Syndrome

When two hands act independently of one another. Millions of drunk college students suffer from this while pleasuring their even more intoxicated last resort. One hand for the girl, one hand for yourself.

New name: Please get hard, she’s the first girl willing to go home with me in a month-pox
Documentation on Dr Strangelove Syndrome

7. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome (Todd’s Syndrome)

This condition distorts visual perception so that objects that are close to the viewer appear to be tiny and vice versa. What a coincedence. This is what happens when you do shrooms. But not ecstasy. Ecstasy is gay.

New name: Shrooming
Documentation on AIWS

8. Mud Wrestlers Rash (Palastaie Limosae)

This one’s easy. It’s called crabs.
Documentation and results on a study about this disease

9. Electric People

Apparently, some people can generate a shock strong enough to knock out streetlights. This is a disease? If so, it is an awesome fucking disease.

New name: Don’t care what it is, just infect me.
Documentation on this unusual phenomenon

10. Mary Hart Epilepsy

Some woman suffered seizures every time she heard Mary Hart speak. I don’t even know who Mary Hart is, but I bet she’s old. You know who else is old? Paula Abdul. And thousands of people go into epileptic shock every time they see her reptilian face.

New name: Paula Abdul cold blooded syndrome
Documentation on the case as well as a similar case involving Pokemon

11. Foreign Accent Syndrome

People have actually suffered strokes after acquiring a new accent. I think it is only when they fake the accent, so let’s hope Madonna suffers a stroke soon.

New name: Madonna needs to get this-sclerosis
Documentation on Foreign Accent Syndrome

12. Uncombable Hair Syndrome

This condition causes someone’s hair to become too tangled to comb. The again, so does an impressive money shot.

New name: She forgot to tie her hair back-pecia

Source: The Book of Lists [via]

Chris Catalano is a 5th grade spelling bee champion. You can follow him on Twitter.